


Words Left Unsaid

by pcrrycox



Category: Scrubs (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-16
Updated: 2017-01-20
Packaged: 2018-09-17 21:18:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9345692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pcrrycox/pseuds/pcrrycox
Summary: The last thing Perry Cox expected to happen when he woke up in the morning was the thing he always least expected to happen: something horrible to happen to the people he was close to.





	1. Chapter 1

The last thing Perry Cox expected to happen when he woke up in the morning was the thing he _always_ least expected to happen: something horrible to happen to the people he was close to.  It was so far from the expected that it had never even been on his radar; no one wakes up and wonders if someone they know, someone they’re close with, will be involved in a catastrophic car accident.  Truthfully, everything seemed normal when Perry woke up and got ready for work.  He ate breakfast and headed off to the hospital, already planning out which patients he would need to see first in order of the severity of their cases.

              He shot the shit with Carla, the two of them bantering with years of practiced ease.  It was a sort of entertainment now, something to distract both of them from the routine of the hospital, plus it gave Perry a respite between patients.  He had quite a few critical cases on his hands at the moment, more than usual, and it went without saying that it was getting to him, especially since he’d lost a patient yesterday.  They had seen it coming, but there was nothing to be done.  Of course, that didn’t make it any easier, but at least he could count on Carla to keep their usual routine.

              This routine went on for hours without a hitch.  Then Perry got the page.

              There had been a bad accident.  So bad, in fact, that the driver at fault was pronounced dead on the scene and the other driver involved was in critical condition.  Perry and the nurses, Carla included, worked quickly to ready a spot for the victim.  The feeling in the ICU was different than usual, as if the staff was collectively holding its breath.  Elliot was close by in case Perry needed a helping hand; in situations like this, they put aside their differences and were able to work together fairly seamlessly.  Perry always preferred to have JD at his side, though he’d never admit it out loud, but Elliot would do seeing as JD wasn’t scheduled for another half hour. 

              They all heard the elevator ding and the doors open and soon enough, the paramedics came rushing in, wheeling in a gurney with a badly injured, barely recognizable figure on it.  “Victim is a white male, early thirties, with suspected internal bleeding, severe lacerations to the face and arms, possible broken ribs, and unknown neck injury,” one of the paramedics rattled off.  “Blood pressure is low, but holding steady, and heart rate is elevated.”

              “We’ll move him on my count,” Perry said, cataloguing all the information.  He counted to three and he, Carla, and the paramedics carefully transferred the patient to one of the beds.  “Okay, Carla –”

              Perry suddenly broke off when he looked at the patient’s face and his stomach flipped violently.  “Page Gandhi,” he said quietly, unable to look away.  “I don’t care if he’s in surgery.  Get him up here.”

              JD was lying on the bed beneath him, his features hardly distinguishable under all the blood and cuts.  His hair was matted with blood and he drew in shaky, rattling breaths that Perry was certain did nothing but cause him more pain.

              “JD, can you hear me?” Elliot asked, her voice high and thick with emotion.  “Squeeze my fingers if you can hear me.”

              Perry glanced at Elliot, who nodded, signaling that JD had done as he was told.  “We’ve got to get him into the O.R. as soon as we can,” he told Elliot as he opened JD’s shirt, which was partially ripped off already.  He began palpating JD’s abdomen and found exactly what he’d expected.  “He’s got internal bleeding and we won’t know how severe until they get him opened up.”

              Elliot hurried over to the nurses’ station to call down to surgery to have them start prepping an O.R. just as Turk came rushing into the ICU, quickly joined by Carla by JD’s bedside. 

              “JD?” Turk said, clearly horrified by the scene in front of him.  “JD, come on, open your eyes.  It’s me, man.”

              Carla was clinging to Turk’s arm as she watched JD’s eyelids flutter, her own eyes watering.  Perry could see how difficult it was for JD just to open his eyes, but it was clear that he was willing to fight.  He managed to keep his eyes open long enough to take in Turk, Carla, and now Elliot standing at his bedside.

              “Dr. Cox,” JD croaked, coughing up a disturbing amount of blood.  “I need…”

              “I’m right here, Newbie,” Perry said gruffly from the other side of the bed.  “What do you need?”

              Perry watched as JD’s eyes slowly shifted over to him, immediately welling up with tears.  “I never got to tell you,” JD gasped, unable to hide his pain.  “I – love you.  Always did.”

              Perry blinked for a few moments and looked up at JD’s three friends, the only people in the world JD should _want_ to talk to and be with at a time like this.  Instead, he had chosen to tell Perry _this_?  He wasn’t sure what to do, but he certainly didn’t like that JD was saying this as if it were the last thing he’d ever tell Perry, and he wasn’t having that.  “Come on, kid,” Perry said, his voice much weaker than he’d anticipated.  “You don’t have to say this stuff.  You’ll be just fine.”

              JD looked up at Perry again, his eyes still watering and bloodshot.  “Now you know,” he whispered.

              Perry watched in horror as JD’s eyes rolled back and moments later, his monitors started beeping frantically.  “Someone get me a crash cart!” Perry shouted, immediately jumping into action.  He was driven by something inexplicable; all he knew was he couldn’t let JD die.  There were so many words left unsaid between them – things that Perry never thought he wanted to say, but it was all so crystal clear now and he _had_ to say them.

              He began chest compressions while he waited for a nurse to bring a crash cart.  He barely noticed Elliot pulling Carla and Turk out of the way even though the three of them were crying – Elliot was the loudest of the three of them, her sobs hitching in her throat; Turk was silent, though his tears left tracks down his cheeks; and Carla was sniffling softly between them, watching the scene in front of her helplessly.

              “Damn it, Newbie,” Perry grunted, continuing the chest compressions, though he could hear someone rolling a cart toward him.  “No way in hell are you leaving me.  Didn’t even give me a chance to say it back, did you?  Stay with me here, keep fighting.”  He moved out of the way momentarily while the nurse affixed defibrillator pads to JD’s bruised and bloody chest.  He waited for the defibrillator to charge before shouting, “Clear!” and shocked JD’s seemingly lifeless body.  “Still in v-fib.  Come on, JD!  Clear!”  Another shock and Perry was growing increasingly desperate.

              “I love you, okay?” Perry finally said, his voice breaking as he waited for the defibrillator to charge again.  “I love you and I never got a chance to say it!  Clear!”  He shocked JD once more and let out a shaky sigh of relief.  “Normal sinus rhythm.  Get him to the O.R. _now_.”

              Quicker than Perry could process, nurses were wheeling JD’s bed out of the ICU and out toward the elevator.  Elliot went with them to ensure that the transfer went well, leaving just Perry, Turk, and Carla standing in the now empty bay.  Perry blinked a few times and realized he had been crying, but he couldn’t bring himself to care.  He stripped off his gloves and walked robotically over to the waste bin and threw them inside.  Carla was by his side and put a gentle hand on his arm.

              “Let’s go,” she said quietly, leading Perry toward the lounge, with Turk in tow.

              Perry let Carla drag him along.  The only thought in his head was of JD’s final words: “Now you know.”  Some part of Perry _always_ knew, but he wasn’t brave enough, wasn’t smart enough to realize that he felt the same about JD.  He never thought of his feelings for JD as serious enough to actually pursue him.  He never thought anything good could come of a relationship between them.  But Perry didn’t care anymore if it was doomed from the start, yet he couldn’t shake the thought that he’d realized just a little too late.

              Carla set Perry down on one couch in the doctors’ lounge and she and Turk sank down onto the other one, all of them silent.  Carla wrapped her arms around Turk, who put his arm around her, both of them in search of any kind of support.  Perry felt sick to his stomach and exhausted, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep until he knew of JD’s fate.  Soon, Elliot joined them and reported that they’d begun surgery and that JD was still stable.  It was the most subdued and concise Perry had ever heard Elliot.  It was unsettling at the very least.

              “He really does love you,” Turk finally said, nearly two hours after they’d first gone into the lounge.  They hadn’t received anymore word about the surgery, which seemed to be good news. 

              Perry looked up at Turk.  “I know,” he said quietly.  “Don’t know why.  I haven’t done anything to deserve it.”

              “That’s what I told him,” Turk said frankly, his arm still around Carla.  “But nothing I said would change his mind.”

              Perry considered this for a moment.  “I’ll make it up to him,” he said, voice full of conviction despite how scared he felt.  “I’ll do whatever I have to.”

              “That’s the thing,” Turk sighed.  “You don’t have to make anything up to him.  He’s forgiven you for everything already.  He just wants you to love him back.  So I suggest you do exactly that.”

              Perry nodded.  “I do,” he said, his voice so quiet he wasn’t sure Turk heard him.

              “I could tell,” Turk replied a few moments later.  “Thanks, by the way.  For doing what you did.”

              “Any of us would have done the same,” Perry said, holding a hand up to signal Turk to stop.  “Don’t thank me.”

              “Fine,” Turk sighed.  “But like it or not, you saved his life.  That means a hell of a lot to me.  But don’t think I’m gonna start hero-worshipping your ass like he does.”

              Perry couldn’t quite manage a smile, but he nodded.  “Not out of the woods yet,” he muttered to himself, watching the clock on the wall.

              They all sat in the lounge for several more hours, grateful that their shifts seemed to have been covered.  Either that or everyone had the good sense not to page them, though Perry suspected the former.  Elliot and Carla both fell asleep for short periods of time, despite looking uncomfortable on the couch.  Perry and Turk couldn’t even hope to get any rest while JD’s fate was still up in the air.  Perry alternated between staring at the clock, following the second hand in its endless revolutions, and watching doctors, nurses, and orderlies pass by in the hallway.  It was strange how his world was crashing down and everyone else was continuing on as normal, some of them completely unaffected by this tragedy.

              Finally – _finally_ – Dr. Wen appeared in the doorway and the four of them stood, their anxiety plain on their faces. 

              “He’s in recovery,” Dr. Wen began in lieu of a greeting.  “We were able to stop the internal bleeding, but we had to remove his spleen due to all the damage.  He’s stable now, though.  I really don’t see any reason why he shouldn’t pull through now that he’s had transfusions.  We paged ortho and they took care of his leg, and it doesn’t look like there’s been any severe damage to his neck or spine.”

              Turk let out an audible breath of relief and Carla rubbed his back, tearing up.  “When can we see him?” she asked, quickly brushing away a tear.

              “I’ll have a nurse come and get you as soon as we get him in his own room,” Dr. Wen promised. 

              “Thank you,” Turk said, his voice shaking.  “You have no idea…”

              Dr. Wen patted Turk’s shoulder and turned away, but not before giving Perry a nod. 

              They all sank back down into their spots and Perry ran his hands down his face.  Suddenly, he didn’t feel so numb anymore.  Instead, the relief he felt was all-encompassing, making his hands shake and a lump rise up in his throat.  He could feel his breath hitching, but was determined to keep it together in front of everyone.  He didn’t dare look up at the others, though he could hear someone sniffling quietly, suspecting it was Elliot.  Perry took a few deep breaths, trying to steady himself.  He should be ecstatic, seeing as JD had made it through surgery and that they’d be able to see him soon, but he found he missed the constant babbling in his ear and those damn eyes looking up at him, hanging on his every word.  He wanted things to go back to normal, wanted the image of JD looking up at him, lying there so broken and lifeless, out of his head.

              It was almost another hour before a nurse came into the lounge.  “You can see him now,” she said, directing her words at the three on the couch and not at Perry. 

              They stood, but Perry remained seated.  “Go on,” he said gruffly, brushing off the looks they gave him.  “I can wait.”

              None of them seemed in the mood to argue, for which Perry was grateful.  When he saw JD, he didn’t want an audience.  He wanted it to be just the two of them, even if JD was asleep.  There were things he needed to say and they were for JD alone.  So, he waited until Carla poked her head in, looking like she’d been crying. 

              “We’re going to the cafeteria,” she told Perry.  “You can go in now.”

              Perry stood and nodded, following Carla silently to JD’s room.  She left him at the doorway and Perry took another deep breath before stepping inside and closing the door behind him.

              JD looked better, but only marginally.  There was some color back in his face and he was clean of all the blood that had been matted and drying on every inch of him.  The cuts on his face were stitched up, but there were already massive bruises forming.  Perry hated the way they looked on him, the way they seemed to take away the aura of innocence JD always carried.  Perry never once thought that JD really was all that innocent, but he was young and sweet and naïve a lot of the time.  It was one of the many things he pretended to hate but secretly enjoyed about the younger doctor.

              Perry pulled up one of the large, overstuffed hospital chairs and sank down into it, right next to JD’s bed.  He watched him for several minutes, savoring every rise and fall of his chest.  He replayed the moment JD’s heart stopped over and over in his mind and knew he never wanted to go through that again. 

              “Hey, kid,” Perry finally whispered, not wanting to actually wake JD.  “You scared the hell out of me back there.  Leave it to you to profess your undying love for me as your last words.”  He managed a weak smile at his own words.  “I have to hand it to you, though.  You made sure I couldn’t hide anymore, couldn’t pretend.  And really, I should thank you, because it was getting exhausting, pretending I wasn’t just as in love with you.  You just… I don’t know what you did to me, Newbie, but when your heart stopped…”

              Perry cleared his throat, blinking rapidly against the sudden burning in his eyes.  “I can’t lose you, kid.  So you’ve just got to hang on and get through this, all right?  I know you’re a fighter – we all do.”  Perry reached forward and ran his fingers through JD’s hair, taking care to be as gentle as possible.  “I love you, JD,” he murmured, looking down at his face.  “More than you even know.”

              “I love you,” JD breathed, his eyes still closed, but Perry’s hand froze in his hair.  With some effort, JD forced his eyes open and looked right up at Perry, his blue eyes watering.

              Perry nodded, his breath hitching in his throat once again, though this time he wasn’t sure he’d be able to hold back.  “You’re gonna be okay,” he said softly, resuming his movements.  “You’ll be just fine.”

              “You said… my heart stopped,” JD said after a few moments, his eyes searching Perry’s face.  He almost looked surprised when a single tear rolled down Perry’s cheek.

              “Shocked you three times,” Perry said thickly.  “They rushed you to the O.R. right after.”

              “I just needed you to know,” JD whispered, his own tears spilling over and rolling down the sides of his face.  “If you’d never known –”

              Perry reached forward and brushed away JD’s tears, shushing him.  “I know now,” he assured JD.  “It’s okay.  I know.”

              “And you’re here,” JD whimpered, closing his eyes for a long moment.  “You’re really here.”

              “I’m not going anywhere, JD,” Perry promised, meaning every word.  “Just relax, okay?  You need your rest right now.”

              “It hurts,” JD admitted, trying and failing to hold back a sob, which resulted in a sound that broke Perry’s heart.

              “I know it does, sweetheart,” Perry said regretfully, still holding JD’s face in his hands as delicately as possible.  “It’ll get better, I promise.”

              JD reached up in an attempt to wrap his arms around Perry, but winced.  “Bad idea,” he said through gritted teeth.

              Perry sighed, rubbing his thumbs over JD’s cheeks.  “Just get some rest,” he urged, wishing there was more he could do for JD.  “We can talk more when you’re feeling up to it.”

              “Will you stay with me?” JD asked in a small voice, his eyes locked on Perry’s even though he looked like he’d love nothing more than to go back to sleep.

              “Wouldn’t dream of being anywhere else, angel,” Perry murmured, pressing a soft kiss to JD’s lips.  “Go to sleep.”

              JD licked his lips after Perry pulled away, as if surprised that Perry’d actually kissed him.  He closed his eyes after a little longer and quickly fell asleep.  Perry leaned back in his chair, but laced their fingers together, his thumb rubbing small circles on JD’s skin.  He was pleased to see that JD looked much more peaceful in his sleep than he did while awake, but he still requested that JD’s doctor up his pain meds, wanting him to suffer as little as possible.  He knew JD had a long road to recovery ahead of him, but Perry was determined to be there every step of the way.  After all, that’s what people did for the ones they loved.  Perry understood that now, a little surprised to find himself looking forward to being with JD.  He was certain the future held plenty of adventures for the two of them.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't going to continue this story, but I really enjoyed writing the first chapter and was happy with the way it turned out, so I decided to make it a multi-chapter story! I can't promise I'll update regularly or say that I have a real idea of where I want this to go, but I'm enjoying where it's at right now. Please let me know your thoughts on the new chapter! :)

              JD had been sleeping for hours, but Perry was still by his side, just as promised.  He had gotten some sleep in now that JD seemed stable, but he had kept their fingers laced together the whole time.  This had been too close a call, and Perry was ashamed that it had taken a life-threatening car accident for him to realize he loved JD.  Life was too short to pretend he didn’t want to spend as much time as possible with the kid and he’d already resolved not to call him girls’ names anymore.  He had always known JD didn’t like them, but Perry had used them as a tool to keep JD at arm’s length.  Those days were gone now.

              Perry spent the rest of the time while JD was asleep watching him.  He’d never been this close to the younger doctor before and been allowed to really _look_ at him.  Perry knew that the bruises and stitches were temporary, but he wondered how much scarring, if any, would be left behind from the accident.  Beneath all the wounds that tugged at Perry’s heartstrings, the full lips and the doe eyes – which had been closed for hours now – still remained.  This was his JD, the one that lit up when he saw Perry or when Perry showed him the occasional scrap of affection.  This was the JD that believed in the innate goodness of people and in going the extra mile for his patients.  _This_ was the JD that Perry loved with an intensity that was unfamiliar to him.  Hell, he’d never watched his partners _sleep_ before, not even Jordan.

              Perry was smiling to himself when Turk returned, hours after JD had fallen asleep.  “How’s he doing?” he asked quietly.  Perry noted that he’d changed into his street clothes at some point.  Maybe he and Carla had gone home.

              Perry looked up, peeling his eyes off of JD for the first time in a while.  “He’s okay,” he told Turk.  He didn’t bother to let go of JD’s hand; he was certain the entire hospital knew by now what had happened in the ICU.  “He’s been asleep for a few hours.  God knows he needs it.”

              Turk stepped into the room and sat down in an empty chair on the opposite side of JD’s bed.  “He’s got a long road ahead of him,” he remarked, his eyes moving over the bruises that had darkened throughout the course of the day.

              “Well, we know he’s a fighter,” Perry said quietly, squeezing JD’s hand just slightly without meaning to.  “He’ll make it through.”

              Turk nodded in agreement.  “I guess I don’t have to ask if you’re serious about him,” he said after a short pause, during which both of them kept their eyes on JD’s face.

              “No,” Perry confirmed, “you don’t.  But you’re his best friend, so I wouldn’t be surprised if you did.”

              Turk seemed to consider this before he answered.  “I just want to make sure that JD’s going to be taken care of.  After everything you’ve put him through, the last thing he needs is to be jerked around.”

              “Jerked around,” Perry repeated, musing.  “What do you mean by that exactly?”

              Turk sighed.  “Look, JD almost _died._ All of us thought he was going to, so it makes sense that you’re right by his side this whole time, but who’s to say that you won’t get bored of it after a while?  I mean, you’re not exactly a relationship kind of guy…”

              Perry’s jaw tightened at Turk’s comment, but he forced himself to stay calm.  “Did it ever occur to you that he means just as much to me as I do to him?” he asked seriously, finally looking directly at Turk.  “I wouldn’t be sitting here if he didn’t.  I wouldn’t be holding his hand or watching his vitals or replaying everything terrible I’ve ever said or done to him in my head over and over again.  Lookit, Gandhi, you think you have me all figured out, but you don’t.  I know you and I don’t like each other much, but if I’m here with JD _now,_ even after things really got _real,_ I’m not going to run away the first time we have an argument or when his physical therapy takes longer than it should or when he wants to give up because it’s too hard.  I’m here because I’m in love with him and the sooner you accept that, the better.”

              Turk sat in silence after Perry finished talking, stunned.  “I – okay,” he finally conceded.  “I didn’t mean it like that, like you’d just run away, but –”

              “It’s fine that you meant it,” Perry said genuinely.  “I know what people say and think about me.  But I also don’t care.  I’m going to do whatever I have to do to make sure JD is safe, healthy, and happy.  That might not fit into your idea of how I should act and think, but I’m not here to impress you.  You don’t even have to like me, but you do have to accept the fact that, of all the people he’s met, your best friend chose me.  Hell, I never thought it’d happen and I’m not saying it’s going to be a walk in the park, but I’m willing to try here.”

              “That’s fair,” Turk allowed, looking uncomfortable as if he’d been getting lectured.  “Just know that I’m the one that’ll have to pick up the pieces if you break his heart.  And I really don’t want to do that.”

              “You won’t,” Perry said, his voice full of conviction even with how quiet their conversation was.  “I’ll make sure of it.”

              “Good,” Turk said.  “That’s good.  He really never shuts up about you, you know.”

              Perry managed a small smile and looked back at JD, who was still sleeping soundly.  “I’m not surprised by that,” he said fondly.

              “I remember one night, a few years ago now, he came home and I could tell he was just waiting for me to ask how his day was,” Turk said with a chuckle.  “So I did and it turns out you’d told him you trusted him not only as a doctor but a person.  He was grinning from ear to ear, giddy as could be.”

              Perry raised his eyebrows, knowing the exact conversation Turk was talking about.  “That was ages ago,” he said slowly.  “He couldn’t have… all the way back then…”

              “Perry,” Turk said, garnering his attention, “he was.  I don’t know if he realized it at the time, but I think he’s been in love with you all along.”

              Perry let out a long breath, one he didn’t know he’d been holding.  “Jesus, kid,” he muttered, looking down at JD’s sleeping form.

              “You mean the world to him.  Don’t take that lightly, all right?” Turk said as he stood.  He patted Perry’s shoulder, just once, before leaving the room. 

              “I won’t,” Perry murmured, his eyes still on JD.  “I’m gonna be better.  For you.”

              It wasn’t for another few hours that JD finally awoke.  Perry had dozed off mere minutes ago, JD’s hand still in his despite the rest of his body going limp.  JD had barely opened his eyes when Perry suddenly sat up straight, jerking out of his sleep.  His eyes landed on JD’s face, momentary panic surging through him.  He relaxed when he realized nothing was wrong and gave JD a small, tired smile.

              “Hey, kid,” Perry said warmly, though he kept his volume low.  “How are you feeling?”

              JD wiggled his toes and stretched a little, testing out what hurt and what didn’t.  “Sore,” he finally replied, his voice hoarse.  “I feel like I got hit by a car.”

              Perry blinked, unsure if what JD had said was a joke.  He was relieved when JD cracked a smile and let out a breath of air that Perry understood to be a laugh.  “Very funny, Newbie,” he said, rolling his eyes.

              JD squeezed Perry’s hand, looking up at him with what Perry could only describe as adoration.  “So, what happened?  I mean, I know I was in an accident, but I don’t really remember much.”

              Perry took a deep breath, knowing that hearing the whole story from Carla was one thing, but telling JD would be another.  “You were on your way to work,” he said quietly, taking JD’s hand in both of his own.  It was more for his own benefit than JD’s.  “About a half hour before your shift started was when we got the call that they were bringing you in.  We didn’t know it was _you_ at the time, of course.  The driver that hit you… she’d been texting, wasn’t watching the road.  She ran a red light and plowed right into your car, right into the driver’s seat.  You’re lucky to be alive, JD.”

              JD didn’t look up at Perry at first, though Perry could see the tears on his cheeks.  “What happened to her?” he asked thickly.  “The other driver?”

              Perry shook his head and sighed heavily.  “She died on impact.”

              JD closed his eyes and Perry could feel his hand shaking in between his own.  “What can I do?” he asked as gently as possible.  “Just tell me how I can make it better.”  JD didn’t answer, but Perry watched helplessly as he sniffled and winced with each breath he took.  Finally, he couldn’t take it anymore and as carefully as he possibly could, he shifted JD over in the bed and climbed in next to him.  He wrapped his arms around JD and just held him, letting JD’s tears stain his shirt. 

              Perry could tell everything was sinking in for JD, just how close a call this had been.  He suspected part of it had to do with the tremendous pain JD was in, but he was strong – stronger than he thought.  He rubbed JD’s back and pressed soft kisses to his forehead, letting him get his emotions out.  He was a little surprised by how natural this felt.  He and JD had come to rely on each other for so much else that this really wasn’t that far of a jump, regardless of how it seemed to everyone on the outside. 

              JD eventually stilled in Perry’s arms, his sniffling lessening and finally stopping.  “Sorry,” he mumbled, his face still buried against Perry’s shoulder.

              “Don’t apologize,” Perry said firmly, still rubbing small circles on JD’s back, trying to comfort him any way he could.  “You’ve been through a lot today.”

              “I’m just glad you stayed,” JD said softly, resting a hand on Perry’s chest.  He couldn’t move his arm much further than that without risking the sharp, shooting pain in his ribs.  “I need you here.”

              Perry lifted JD’s face and brushed his thumb across his jaw.  “Newbie, there’s nowhere else in the world I’d rather be right now,” he said genuinely.  “And let me say this just this once, okay?”

              “Say what?” JD asked, hooked on Perry’s every word, his eyes searching Perry’s face.

              “I’m sorry,” Perry murmured.  “I’m sorry for every girls’ name and for every shove and for every time I made you feel like I didn’t care about you.  I always cared, probably a little too much, but all I could do to protect both of us was push you away.  It wasn’t until your heart… stopped that I realized that I _need_ you in my life, JD.  And I never want to go back to the way it used to be.”

              JD ducked his head and wiped gingerly at his cheek.  “I’m already getting sick of crying,” he muttered as he looked back up at Perry.  “But Perry, I forgave you for all of that a long time ago.  I wouldn’t have stuck around if I didn’t want to, you know.”

              “I know,” Perry sighed.  “But I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t apologize at least once.”

              “Well, you did,” JD said firmly.  “And please don’t keep doing it.  You’re forgiven, that’s all there is to it.”

              “Whatever you say,” Perry allowed, the corner of his mouth quirking up.  “You’re calling the shots now.”

              “I am?” JD asked curiously.  “Can I ask for a favor, then?”

              “Course you can,” Perry said readily.  “I’ll get you whatever you need.”

              “Just kiss me,” JD said, a slight blush forming on his cheeks despite all the bruising.  “I – I know you did last night, right before I fell asleep, but –”

              Perry leaned forward and kissed JD softly but thoroughly, effectively silencing him.  He was careful not to hurt him, keeping his hands in places that didn’t cause him pain.  Perry wanted to take his time with this, really savor every moment of it.  This wasn’t technically their first kiss, not if last night’s peck counted, but it was their first _real_ kiss.  Part of Perry wished it could go further than this, but he knew it couldn’t.  Besides, the last thing he wanted to do was hurt JD, physically or emotionally.  It was for that reason that Perry slowly ended the kiss, pulling away just far enough that he could look into JD’s eyes.

              “How was that?” he breathed, a hand still cupping JD’s cheek.

              “Perfect,” JD replied, panting slightly.

Perry kissed JD’s cheek and then his temple and finally his forehead.  “I love you,” he whispered, still a little surprised at how easily the words flowed off his tongue.

              “I love you,” JD echoed, his eyelids fluttering shut as he relaxed completely against Perry’s chest.  “And I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of hearing you say that.”

              Perry smiled softly, reveling in the feeling of JD’s weight on his chest.  “I’ll tell you that as often as you want, sweetheart,” he promised, combing his fingers through JD’s hair.  “You just say the word.”

              “Tell me again,” JD said through a yawn.

              “I love you,” Perry replied with a small laugh.  “You have no idea how much.”

              “You’ll have to show me some time,” JD answered.

Perry could tell JD was drifting off again.  “Get some rest, JD.  I’ll tell you again when you wake up.”

This time, Perry was able to join JD in falling asleep, feeling much more at ease now that JD seemed to be in less pain than before – the higher dosage of pain meds was clearly the right call.  He knew he’d have to leave JD alone at the hospital eventually; he couldn’t keep spending the nights here, nor could he neglect his patients much longer.  For now, though, he was content to be squeezed into a single hospital bed with JD sleeping soundly on his chest.


	3. Chapter 3

              “Strictly speaking, you’re not actually allowed to have this, but I think I can make an exception,” Perry said as he walked into JD’s hospital room carrying a bag of Chinese takeout.  He lived for the way JD’s face lit up, eyes widening and his smile as bright as ever, whenever he saw him. 

              “Are we celebrating something or are you just being an extra good boyfriend?” JD asked happily.  Ever since he found out he’d be able to go home in the next few days, his mood had lifted significantly.

              “I suppose we’re celebrating,” Perry chuckled, sitting on the edge of JD’s bed and pulling the rolling table toward them.  He began taking the boxes out of the bag and setting them out for JD to devour.  “It’s been a week, you know.”

              “A whole week,” JD mused, grabbing at the sweet and sour chicken.  “A whole week of you kissing me whenever I ask.”

              Perry rolled his eyes, offering JD chopsticks.  “A week since the _accident_ ,” he snorted.  “But I guess that works, too.”

              JD chatted happily as they ate, filling Perry in on the latest drama between the nurses, courtesy of Laverne, and wondering aloud when he’d actually be discharged.  Perry was glad for the change in JD’s spirits – the last five or six days had been full of breakdowns on JD’s part.  It seemed that everything was sinking in for him and that it would be a while before he could even walk again, considering how badly his leg had been broken, and even longer until he could return to work.  He’d met with the hospital’s psychiatrist once a day since the accident, and he’d told Perry it was helping.  Perry didn’t expect everything to be fixed in a week, though, so he watched JD carefully when they were together, which was far less often than Perry would have liked.

              He’d gone back to work two days after JD’s accident, but had spent far more time in JD’s room just checking on him than he should have.  Perry had been grateful that Kelso had let it slide – on two separate occasions Kelso had come into JD’s room to go over paperwork for JD’s medical leave while Perry was very much not supposed to be there and had said nothing about his presence.  Perry was thankful that it seemed he and Kelso were erring more on the side of friends than enemies, though neither of them would be caught saying it out loud. 

              JD’s first real breakdown had come that night.  Luckily, Perry’s shift was over by then and he was lounging in the chair in JD’s room.  The two of them had been watching whatever was on TV at the time when Perry had looked up and saw JD in tears.  Alarmed at the thought that he might be in pain, he had immediately rushed to JD’s side, asking him what hurt.  It took a while for JD to really get anything of substance out, but it amounted to the fact that he’d almost died and someone else _had_ died and what if _he_ had died?  Perry was at a loss as to how to comfort JD, but seeing him so distraught broke his heart.  It took nearly a half hour of holding JD and reassuring him that he was safe before he began to calm down.  Even then, Perry wasn’t sure he’d been that much of a help and wondered if JD had just tired himself out.

              Perry had taken JD’s appointments with the shrink much more seriously after that, even if he couldn’t be there during them.  He made it a point to ask JD how they’d gone and if he wanted to talk about anything, trying to show him that he was willing to put the effort into their relationship.  Sometimes JD wanted to talk and sometimes he didn’t, but it was always obvious when he’d been crying.  Perry just hoped that the appointments were helping.

              “You know,” JD said through a mouthful of vegetable lo mein, “Turk was in here earlier, while you were working.”

              “Oh yeah?” Perry asked, curious as to why JD was telling him this.  He wasn’t at all surprised that Turk had been visiting his best friend.  “What’d he have to say?”

              “He told me he approves of you,” JD said in an attempt at being casual.  He was failing miserably as far as Perry was concerned.

              “Did he now?” Perry asked, genuinely surprised.  “Gotta tell you, I’m flattered, Newbie.”

              JD smiled and put his empty takeout container back on the table.  “I mean, it was more of like a, ‘Dude, I just wanted to tell you that, uh, you know, if Perry makes you happy then... that’s good.  Like, I’m happy for you’ kind of thing.”

              Perry chuckled.  “There’s the emotionally-stunted Gandhi that I’ve come to know,” he said in amusement.  “You want something else to eat?”

              “No, I’m full,” JD said dismissively, watching Perry so happily that if he’d had a tail, Perry would have expected it to be wagging.

              “Was there something else you wanted to say?” Perry asked, arching an eyebrow as he finished off his food.

              “Well, my therapist told me to write down some good things that have happened since my accident,” JD said slowly.  “And you were number one on my list.”

              Perry carefully moved the table out of the way and turned so he was facing JD.  Truthfully, he wasn’t sure what to say.  He’d like to think they still would have gotten together even if the accident hadn’t happened, but was that realistic?  Would he really have ever wised up or would JD have found someone else, someone better?  “Uh, thanks, Newbie,” he said awkwardly.  “What else was on your list?”

              “Oh,” JD said, clearly surprised by Perry’s lack of response.  “Uh, I – I kind of got sidetracked after you.”

              Perry sighed.  “Look, kid, I’m sorry.  It’s just hard to think that anything good could come out of something like that.”

              JD nodded.  “I know,” he agreed.  “But staying positive is better than wallowing in self-pity, right?  And… thinking about you makes me happy.”

              Before the accident, Perry would have called JD a girls’ name and brushed off the comment with a hurtful comment about JD’s inclination to talk about his feelings, but he found he didn’t even have the urge to do so now.  God, he’d gotten soft.  “The feeling’s mutual there, Newbie,” he said with a soft smile, reaching for JD’s hand.  He loved the blush that spread across JD’s cheeks when he said or did something sweet.  It was more noticeable now that JD’s bruises had just started to fade from the deep purples to lighter blues and even yellow in some places.  He cleared his throat after a moment and squeezed JD’s hand.  “So, what’s the big plan for when you get discharged?”

              “I hadn’t really thought that far ahead yet,” JD admitted.  “I’ve been too busy looking forward to just getting out of here.  I’m sure Elliot will let me move back in since a deck on a half-acre probably isn’t the best environment at the moment.”

              “I’d have to agree with that,” Perry said, patting JD’s good leg.  “Unfortunately, I have to get going again, but I’ll have them page me when you get discharged, all right?”

              JD gave Perry a smile, but Perry could tell he was sad that their visit couldn’t last longer.  Perry leaned in and kissed JD softly, letting their foreheads rest against each other’s for a few moments more.  “Get some rest, sweetheart.”

              “See you later,” JD murmured, holding Perry’s hand until he pulled away completely.

              Perry left JD’s room regretfully, though getting JD out of his head was an entirely different problem.  He was sure to devote his attention to his patients when he was with them, but while walking through the halls and writing information on their charts, he let his mind wander back to JD.  He knew all of this must be hard for him, being bed-ridden and dependent on everyone else, but he seemed to be coping fairly well.  Perry promised himself that he’d devote as much time as he could to JD once he was discharged.  He was willing to put the effort in to make this work and didn’t want JD to feel like Perry’d forgotten about him.

              Perry had been working tirelessly for the last several hours and hadn’t had a spare moment to pop in and say hi to JD.  When his pager went off for what felt like the thousandth time, he groaned, but was happy to find that this page was letting him know that JD was being discharged.  He made his way to JD’s room and was pleased to find JD in a brilliant mood.

              “You heard!” JD said happily when he saw Perry.

              “I told you I’d have them page me,” Perry chuckled, glad to see that JD was dressed in regular clothes.  Those were much better than the hospital gowns.  “You need a ride to Barbie’s?”

              “No, Turk’s shift just ended so he’s taking me,” JD told him.  “But you’re more than welcome to come over later if you want…”

              “I’ll be there,” Perry assured JD, kissing the top of his head just as his pager went off again.  He sighed and closed his eyes for a moment.  “It never ends.  I’ll see you later tonight, okay?”

              “See you,” JD echoed, watching Perry go with a more convincing smile than before.

 

              One five-minute long nap in the on-call room, two codes, and five hours later, Perry’s shift finally ended.  Truthfully, the only thing that got him through the night was the thought of seeing JD.  He counted down the hours and eventually the minutes until he could get the hell out of the hospital and head over to Barbie’s apartment.  He was pleased to learn that Barbie was working overnight so she wouldn’t be there.  She had a strange fascination with JD’s and Perry’s interactions, which annoyed Perry endlessly.  He didn’t need to hear her giggling every time he touched JD.

              The drive to the apartment felt far too long even though it wasn’t that far from the hospital.  Perry was perhaps a little too eager to see JD again, but the thought of seeing his face light up yet again made his long night just a little better.  It occurred to him that they had only been together for a week – and that that week had been spent in the confines of a hospital room – but being with JD already felt normal, not to mention _right._ Perry rolled his eyes at himself.  Who was the girl _now_?

              When Perry finally got to Barbie’s apartment, he knocked on the door.  He heard JD’s voice, but couldn’t make out what he’d said.  He tried the door and found it unlocked, so he pushed it open and stepped inside.  He shook his head and locked the door behind him – JD was far too trusting.  He looked around the living room and didn’t see JD anywhere.

              “Newbie?” Perry called, unsure of the layout of the apartment.  “Where are you?”

              “In the bedroom,” JD called back, something about his voice sounding off. 

              Perry followed his voice and stopped short when he reached the doorway of JD’s room.  “JD, what the hell?”

              JD was sitting in the middle of the floor, looking pained with one of the crutches he hadn’t quite yet mastered the use of laying a few feet from him.  “I just wanted to get out of bed,” he mumbled, and Perry caught the way JD’s voice broke.

              “How long have you been down here?” Perry asked, horrified, as he bent down to JD’s level.

              JD looked down, avoiding Perry’s eyes.  “I don’t know, a couple hours,” he said quietly.  “The crutches hurt my ribs too much and I couldn’t get back up and I didn’t want to call –”

              “Don’t be ridiculous,” Perry snapped.  “JD, you should have called me right away.  You can’t be afraid to ask for help.”

              “All I _do_ is ask for help, Perry!” JD said desperately.  “Because I can’t do anything on my own!”

              Perry sighed.  “All right, we can talk about this more once you’re off the floor,” he said firmly.  He pulled JD into his arms, trying not to cause him any more pain, and carried him over to the bed.  He kicked off his shoes and climbed in next to JD before turning to look at him again.

              “I just wanted to be able to do something on my own,” JD said, tears springing into his eyes.

              “JD, no one minds helping you,” Perry said seriously.  “It comes with the territory.”

              “That’s not the point,” JD said thickly.  Perry could tell he was trying hard not to cry.  “I can’t do _anything_ without someone’s help.  I can’t use my crutches, I can barely push myself in a wheelchair… I’m a burden to everybody.”

               “JD,” Perry said again, though his tone was much more gentle this time, “you were just in a very serious accident.  I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but you’re lucky your injuries weren’t more severe.  It’s a miracle you’re even home right now.  You and I have both seen patients a lot worse off than you.  So if you need help doing simple tasks, that’s a small price to pay to be _alive._ ”

              JD sniffed and Perry watched as a tear rolled down his cheek.  “I know,” he mumbled.  “I just wish this had never happened.”

              Perry moved an arm around JD’s shoulders, scooting closer to him.  “Look at me, would you?” he murmured.

              Reluctantly, JD looked up at Perry with watery eyes.  “What?”

              “You’re going to heal,” Perry said quietly.  “It’s going to be a long process and it’ll be hard and painful at times, but you’ll get through it.  And if you think that I won’t be by your side every step of the way, you’re wrong.  So from now on, whatever you need, you just ask.  I’ll do whatever I can to make this easier on you.”

              JD leaned into Perry’s chest, closing his eyes when Perry wrapped both arms around him.  “Sometimes I can’t believe how sweet you really are,” he said softly.  “Don’t know what I did to deserve you, but I like it.”

              Perry let out a breathy chuckle as he rubbed JD’s back.  “I ask myself the same question every damn day,” he admitted. 

              JD sniffled again, though he seemed to have stopped crying.  “I’m sorry I’ve been so emotional lately,” he sighed.  “It sucks.  One minute I’ll feel okay, even happy, but as soon as I think about, you know, everything, I just want to cry.”

              Perry held JD a little tighter, though he was careful not to hurt him.  “That’ll get easier, too,” he assured JD.  “You still seeing the shrink?”

              JD nodded.  “You help,” he mumbled after a few moments.  “Being around you, talking to you… it helps.”

              Perry rested his chin on JD’s head and closed his own eyes.  “Can I tell you something?” he asked, still rubbing JD’s back without even thinking about it.

              “Sure.”

              “You helped me, too,” Perry said quietly.  “When Ben died.”

              JD stilled for a moment in Perry’s arms.  “I did?” he asked slowly.

              “You were there, right next to me at his funeral,” Perry continued as if JD hadn’t spoken.  “You didn’t have to say anything.  Just knowing you were there, your hand on my shoulder…”  Perry had never admitted this out loud before and he was still having trouble doing so now, but he knew he had to for JD’s sake.  “Let’s just say you helped a lot more than anyone else.”

              “Oh, Perry,” JD whispered, wrapping an arm around Perry’s middle and snuggling closer to him.  “I knew he was your best friend.  I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

              “I should have realized back then just how important you were to me,” Perry said, his voice still quiet and vulnerable.  “Guess I wasn’t quite ready yet.”

              “You’re here now, that’s what matters,” JD said seriously.  “I don’t care that it took us five years to get here.  I don’t want to think about the past.  I want to think about _now._ You and me, here, right now.”

              “Right now,” Perry murmured.  “Right now sounds pretty good to me.”


End file.
